To the Moon & Back

fullsizerender-2My purpose of starting this blog was to write openly about the things in my life that make me feel the most vulnerable. To hopefully open the door for others to feel more comfortable sharing their experiences, and to show them that they are not alone.

I felt this may be appropriate to post today since last weekend I attended Logan Utah’s first Pride celebration and it also happens to be National Coming Out Day. So, without further ado, I am bisexual.

 


Coming to terms with ones self is difficult no matter who you are. We live in a world where people are pressured to look, act, feel, and think certain ways. Realizing that you are somehow different from the majority of those around you feels like climbing a staircase and reaching for another stair that isn’t there. You’re falling. You’ve unexpectedly come to the end of the path you were on. What now?

For me, that’s what it was like to come to the realization that I am attracted to both men and women. For a very long time, I couldn’t allow myself to form the words to solidify this idea in my own head. I feared for what this could mean to my family, to my boyfriend, to my friends, to my co-workers, to my siblings…to me.

Throughout the majority of my life, sex in general brought up deep-seeded guilt, shame and confusion. Realizing that I was also attracted to women only amplified these feelings. For a while, I figured it was something that would pass. That down the road, I would either come to the conclusion that I only like men or even possibly that I only like women.

Eventually, I ended my relationship with my boyfriend whom I loved so that I could be alone to sort this out. I had boyfriends pretty consistently since I was about 15, which resulted in so much of myself having been constructed under heavy influence of the people I had dated. I needed time to sort through my own thoughts and feelings without taking anyone else’s into consideration. Although it was an extremely difficult decision, I needed this to be entirely my own. After some time getting to know myself, I became more at peace with who I am and how I feel. I knew it was not something that would simply pass.

When I began coming out to a few close friends, I experienced nothing but acceptance and love. With each person I told, I felt a rush. With each person I opened up to, I began to feel more and more myself. I realized that even though I was so much closer to living my truth, there was still more I felt I needed to do.

I knew coming out to my family, specifically my parents, would be the most difficult. After talking with my therapist, we decided it would be best if I wrote them each a letter since I’ve never been great at expressing my feelings face to face under this kind of stress. My parents have loved and supported me through so many tough times. I’ve disappointed them more times than I can count and the thought of disappointing them again hurt.

fullsizerender-3I left immediately after delivering the letters. I was so nervous but strangely excited.

Two days later, I received a picture message from my dad that made me indescribably happy. You’ll need a little backstory to fully understand why. When my siblings and I were kids, my dad found children’s books that reminded him of each of us. He would read the book out loud and give us a stuffed animal that matched our character. The book he dedicated to me was “Guess How Much I Love You” by Sam McBratney. (Which I highly recommend reading.) The book came with two stuffed animals. Big Nutbrown Hare went to me, and he kept the Little Nutbrown Hare.

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I’m forever thankful for this text. For my loving parents and for my amazing friends. I know that I am truly blessed. Thank you to all of those who have helped me through the past couple months especially. I am so grateful for the friends and family that continue to support me.

So, there’s my coming out story…and blog post. Thanks for reading and please know that whoever you are, I am here for you. I am a safe person to come out to, to confide in, or just to talk with. Please feel free to reach out, there are so many people here to support  and accept you!  ❤

 


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