When You Low-key Want To Kill Yourself.

Before I go any further, please know that I am okay. If that changes, I do have a list of people to contact, things I can do and places I can go. I meant for the title of this post to be a little goofy to try to lighten the mood since I use humor to deal with all of my problems (thanks, Dad).

I really dislike that it’s taboo to talk about mental illness, therapy, etc. It really bothers me that by admitting that I deal with these things on social media or to people in general, then I must just be doing it for the attention. I wanted to write about this for a few reasons:

1) Writing is therapeutic for me. Since my first two posts, all I’ve wanted to do is write! I used to write all the time in high school, so I’ve really enjoyed getting back into it.
2) I would love for more people to be comfortable discussing mental illness. Even if it’s just with me, that’s a start.

Self-harm and suicidal thoughts are something I’d dealt with before, starting in high school. When these thoughts and urges started resurfacing most recently, I began taking steps to ensure I was better prepared to deal with them this time around.

First, I visited my doctor who prescribed my third anti-depressant to help with my anxiety and depression. The first two I had only taken for about a month each, ironically due to my anxiety revolving around the idea of taking medication. I had it in my head that taking medication somehow made me a lesser person. Obviously, this is not the case. But society’s perception of mental illness seemed to perpetuate these thoughts.

Lesson learned: taking medication does NOT make you better or worse than anyone else. Taking medication does NOT make you weak. Doing what you need to do to make sure you are safe is an important, healthy, and brave decision.

I also began seeing a therapist. Going to therapy was the BEST decision I have ever made for my mental health. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, everyone could benefit from therapy. Who doesn’t deal with shit at some point? That’s right, no one. The therapist I began seeing was the second I had visited. I was wary to see him since I didn’t feel that I had gotten anything out of going to the first. But for some reason, I made my first appointment and I have been seeing him on a semi-regular basis ever since. I even really look forward to our appointments!

Lesson learned: seeing a therapist does NOT mean that you are weak or unworthy in any way, shape, or form. If you don’t feel that you’re getting what you need out of therapy, tell them that or go see someone else! To some extent, you get out of it what you put into it, so it is really important to be open and honest with yourself and with your therapist.

My next move was the most difficult: telling my friends and family what I was going through. I wanted to do this so that I could have a few more eyes watching me; so they could hold me accountable for not hurting myself. Sadly, the hardest part of this step was the fear that I was not in bad enough shape to warrant this conversation. Again, I was afraid that by saying that I was struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts, that it would come across as attention seeking.

Lesson learned: if someone expresses that they’re dealing with these thoughts, please don’t shame them. Don’t assume that this isn’t serious, because it IS. Be there for them, without judgment.

Once I had this discussion with close friends and family members, I was SO thankful for the responses I received. Ranging from storing/hiding items I’d used to self-harm, to reminding me that they were there for me and how much I am loved and appreciated. One friend even gave me a key to their apartment in case I needed a place to get away. I am so glad I had the courage to tell these people how I was feeling. They’ve all had a hand in saving my life.

Lesson learned:  Do not let other people’s opinions keep you from doing what you need to do to be safe and to get help. True friends will be there for you when you need them.

If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of self-harm, you are not alone. Please reach out!
Suicide Hotline: (1-800-273-8255)
Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741

My most recent bought of depression/suicidal thoughts spiked after I ended a serious relationship I’d been in for years. I bring this up because I learned some very important things during this time:

You cannot rely on someone else for your happiness. At least, not for very long. I am fond of a quote I found on tumblr that said, “I am not looking for my other half because I am already whole”. People place so much importance on finding your “better half”, someone you can lean on and trust in and be with forever. When really, if we don’t know what we want, what makes us happy, and how to feel fulfilled and comfortable on our own then we end up relying on our partners to fill these gaps, leaving us feeling empty when things don’t work out.

For weeks after the relationship ended, I woke up every morning unable to get out of bed. Tissues were scattered all over the floor because I spent most of my day crying. I didn’t wear makeup anywhere because it wouldn’t last long enough to make it worth the time it took to put on. I didn’t shower for several days (I know gross, but real), I stopped eating, I lost 7 lbs. in one week, I didn’t work out, I fell behind at work, and I could constantly hear a whisper in the back of my head saying, “I just want it to end.”  

Then, one day, I woke up and I didn’t cry. I actually felt like doing something with my hair and putting on actual clothes. I visited my family and, for the first time in weeks, I didn’t cry there either. I went to work and was able to focus more easily. I was so excited that it was finally happening, I was getting better!

The next day, it was as if that one good day had never happened. I was distraught. I felt, even more so now, that something must be wrong with me. It took some time, but I came to understand that a few days, weeks, months, and even years down the road, I would still come across these bad days. That I had to accept that they would happen, but that it would pass. I learned that it’s okay that I have bad days, although I’ll keep working to make them less detrimental, but that it’s also okay to feel good and enjoy the good days.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm, you are not alone. Please reach out! 
Suicide Hotline: (1-800-273-8255)
Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741

4 Replies to “When You Low-key Want To Kill Yourself.”

  1. We REALLY should have talked more when we lived together! I’ve dealt with depression on and off since I was a teenager, including a few times I seriously contemplated suicide. I didn’t realize back then that depression was what I was dealing with, just figured it was a side effect of alcohol. I finally went to the doctor a few months ago when I realized I had postpartum depression, and just a month of taking Zoloft I’ve realized that I’ve felt better than I have in a DECADE! Nobody should have to deal with depression just because other people might judge them.


  2. Lauren, thank you for being so honest and forthright. This is a very hard subject. I dealt with it with my brother. Unfortunately, he turned to alcohol and self medicated instead of following his doctor’s instructions. Please continue to see your doctor and let others be there for you. Love you.


  3. You have so much in common with your cousins… too bad you don’t live closer, or take the time to BE closer. I think it’s unfortunate how we all have such similar (me included!) experiences, but it’s never talked about. I’m proud of you for writing, I’m proud of you for your honesty, I’m proud of you for being brave about meds & therapists (both have saved my life more than once) I’m just proud to know you. YOU are growing into a woman who has so much to offer this world. Never underestimate yourself-


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